The greatest gift to give our children, is our own happiness. I’d realized this early on as I have lost my Mother so young. Her sickness which had started in her early 40’s and her lived example of how unprocessed childhood trauma can eat up one’s life set me on a quest to understand myself and the world around me better.
Healing starts with the ability of being able to stay with what is.
To be able to heal the generational trauma starts with our own work. Our belief about ourself and our limiting behavioural patterns are with us for a reason. As I have started to pay attention to my anger; I have found that instead managing it, better if I understand its root. Forming curious questions about the pain which exists underneath it.
I have uncovered that the misconception of “I am not good enough” comes from the burden I’d put on myself as an empath child on a mission of saving my parents – especially my Mum – from her suffering. There is a deep ingrained belief inside me that my responsibility is to change and heal all the pain I feel around me. Since becoming a Mother I have been learning to draw my boundaries more accuratly. I’ve figured out that bringing solution to other’s problem is not my responsibility. My responsibility is to work on myself.
Time to time as I am experimenting with using new responses I feel so unsettled. I feel in some sense that I have lost the ground underneath. However what is different that I have heeps more resources then I used to. With this truth on my side I am able to gain my lost momentum back and with renewed zest I keep going.
Healing comes as I am able to understand myself and allow my emotions to move me. During my early life I’d conditioned myself to freeze my emotional body and develop an intellect which mimics my bodily feelings. I could talk about how I felt, but as I’d looked deeper I could notice that these were not feelings but beliefs. In my process of my inquiry I’d realized how much I was disconnected from my body.
Now I know that my body keeps the score – so I did not loose anything. My Nervous System as well as my muscles, and deeper tissues of my body recorded all event in my life. I am fascinated by the human’s body by that sense that our body always try to heal itself. It always try to organise itself in a way which is the most effective use of the energy which is avaiable.
Healing comes as I am able to feel the messages of my body. As my field of perception grows. Healing comes in a tender, compassionate approach toward my own shadows and unhealed parts. Healing comes as I don’t deny anymore my unwanted parts but I turn toward them with welcoming curiosity.
I wonder how much more complete my life could be if I would integrate my wounded parts – if I would turn my pain into an elixir. If I would turn my sensitivity into my superpower?!
Healing comes when I am able to maintain a fearless attitude toward my own demons.
Trauma is disconnection. Therefore healing comes in ways of connections. All those safe connections we create inside of ourselves our outside in our environment.
My way of searching my wholeness was a desperate mission filled with restless and scattered energies. I wanted to change and If I could not I changed my environment. Just like my mother did.
My inherited patterns were pushing forward me up to this point in my life. Where I’ve realized: “THERE IS NO NEED FOR CHANGE.” The deep burdened need inside me asks for REMEMBERANCE. It asks for UNDERSTANDING.
Therefore I have embarked on a journey called by THIS inner request. I am in a process to establish a different kind of sadana (dalily practice) then I used to have. These days my yoga exists outside of my comfortable yoga mat. I am practicing the Yamas and Niyamas, I do Breathwork, I do relaxation, I meditate, I contemplate and most of all I am practicing presence in all circumstances.
In the result of these practices I would like to share with you my allies which are my most useful resources of Healing my Nervous System so far: (these are the ones which I am using daily)
- Sourcing Energy from Beauty – creating beauty in my environment (freash flowers) or reading a poem or listening uplifting music or watching the clouds on the sky, I also do love stargazing.
- Grounding – finding stability through my bones/sensing the connection between my body and the supporting surface underneath.
- Orienting – Reminding myself my current age, (instead of acting out from my wounded younger self).
- Pausing – As well as slowing down, with my actions, with my worlds, with my breath, – in a way simplifying and prioritizing what is important / what is necessary.
- Finding Stability – sensing the stable environment around (inside: celing, floor, walls, outside: trees, earth underneath my feet).
- Shake, dance, sing.
- Reminding myself that I have a CHOICE.
- Using breathing patterns: elongated outbreath/sigh, 4-4-4-4 breath (for 4 count breathing in-, pause-, out-, pause).
And the below ones are those which I am working on: (these are not comming easily but when I use them these are having the greatest transforming benefits on my patterning)
- Listening to my gut feelings (tuning into the sensations in my body, forming a response by using my body’s wisdom instead of my intellect).
- Apply CURIOSITY in tense situations.
- Saying NO – drawing boundaries.
- Asking for help.
- Connecting with a safe person for co-regulation.
- Orienting myself to the cycles of my own moon cycle, as well as to the phrases of the Moon.
- Drink more water.
- Nourishing my senses (appreciate my circumstances & savour them).
Let’s remind each other to our goodness! Let’s focus on creating exeptional health! Let’s reconnect to Nature.
May you laugh easily and forgive readily.
Have a resourcefilled April!
Love,
Viki
viktoria maczo 