I used to be yoga fundamentalist. I thought yoga is an answer to every question, that if I was not able to provide an aswer with the help of yoga in mind I was thinking that this is only because I might not know well enough what yoga really is.
I had the great urge to stand on my mat each morning for more then ten years and practice hours of yoga including asanas, chanting, pranayama and meditation. My eagerness of seeking the truth led me to study with great masters and learn many modalities of yoga and mindfullness practices.
Over twenty years of study and practice now I feel my search has been taken me to find discipline as an enrty to real devotion.
I become a mother in my 40th birthday because I’d been enjoying being a jogini so much. I was postponing this great initiation in a false belief that this is a setback on my spiritual journey. Now as I am mothering a 5 year old know that this five years gave me more inner resouce then the previous twenty on the mat.
One day, not long ago I have realized how confused I have become about what my next best step would be as a yoga teacher and practitioner. Since my child getting older and giving me the opportunity to approach my inner territory in my quiet solitude – the way I enjoy to exist so much – more often I had a chance to look more deeply into myself. This is where I have found callings and desires which I wasn’t even aware of! It become very clear that I am not the same person anymore as I was before becoming a parent myself.
Time has become very precious. I have been learning not to scatter it. Also I’ve become so aware of how do I tend to sprinkle my life’s energy all over my surrondings and loose much of my life’s force in tasks which don’t even make a difference.
These days most of my mindfullness practices are in the go because as a mother much days I don’t have the opportunity to sit down…-….this is not true…I will correct:… because my real nature lies in a constant motion. SEE?! This is how my healing jouney continues outside of my yogamat! By unlearning the need that I have to be in in a denial of who I am and instead work with what is!
As I realized this I have started to put presence into the daily tasks I do to improve the quality of life of my family and myself. Like making food, washing dishes, do the loundry and as I keep the flat tidy we live in. For years I was struggling with how do I balance this tasks out with my previous practices, where do I fit my 2 hour long yoga practices? For so long I felt so depleted because of not being able to be an excellent housewife-mother-and joga practicioner at the same time. And don’t even make a note of that this was not anyone’s requirement around me!
Now I understand, what my pracice is. My parcice lies in THESE UNSEEN favours of making a houshold really become a HOME.
My focus is on creating beauty instead of on the prefection of the placement of my body parts. I give more value to my own wisdom, as I choose what and how to practice in my limited time I have for my formal practice. The rest lies outside of the comfort of a well structured yoga class. This is really the 7th series what Pattabhi Jois was reffering to. Many days I stumble. Many days I feel it is so much and therefore I collapse. But never break because I always stand up. Now I believe that to be a witness of our healing journey is more of a gift to our children then stand firmly in our perfection.
viktoria maczo 