I started this learning process, which is slowly setting a visible direction in my life, by listening to my intuition. In the winter months that will soon be behind us, I have observed the presence of different waters in and around me. The freezing and then the overflowing of the river that we live near by. I tried to improve the quality of the tap water in our home with the help of a water filter. I watched the effects of the liquids I’ve consumed on my body. Everything I’ve drank and I’ve used.
I find the effect of water fascinating. Everything that can be felt physically and to the presence of which I react more and more sensitively with the ability of a subtle perception that opens up in me. I find it fascinating the ability of water to transform, just as the waters in our bodies transform. I’ve began to discover the connections between the phenomena of nature and the processes I’ve experienced in myself.
This upcoming spring has special significance for me, because I feel in my gut that the end of the winter experienced in my personal life is also approaching. There was a time when I lived on another continent, where I could experience green trees all year round. There was a time when I felt that I would never miss the experience of winter in my life, and I was surprised when I’d discovered that I longed for it.
For me, winter, with the darkness of its nights, the frozen hardening of the earth and water, is similar to that period of life in which I had the opportunity to linger for years. My personal winter was marked by years of sleep deprivation as my initiation of motherhood and a series of desperate attempts to repair this exhaustion that had built up within me with every intention. Understanding in this scattered state came to me when our daughter become old enough and I finally started to sleep through the nights again.
Because when I slept through the night, I experienced the energy surplus resulting from it in such a way that I received inspiration. How I wanted to cling to these feelings! Because they signaled to me that things were changing! However, I have also found that there is always a setback and it has discouraged me for so long.
Then I discovered the cyclicality in these experiences and this gave me the strength to use the resources I gathered in my previous seasons and to live or, if necessary, surrender to the teachings of the challenges that arise in my life. During these times, the most important thing for me was the experience of a quiet presence. I had to learn to slow down in order to notice that in the process where nothing seems to be happening, somehow everything necessary has happened. I learned to notice and accept my needs. There were times when the experience of bitter freezing was present in me with the feeling of reaching into my resources and owning my nourishing depths.
For so long I had the urge to hold on and never let go of the good feelings that come with a restful and undisturbed night’s sleep. I wanted to be a straight path to spring. To face the challenges of the past years much more elegantly and more prepared.
Then I learned to rediscover and appreciate what I have. To turn with curious interest to who I am and who I am becoming every day!
The thawing of my frozen inner states began for me with cold showers. Dreams and visions resurface. I began to see opportunity in challenges. I began to allow myself to dream again and to bring to life only those visions that want to be realized and that really make me happy.
It is a wonderful feeling to experience this process again as the joy of life returns to my body and invisibly seeps into my everyday experiences. Like warm days and frosty nights in nature. Sometimes it feels to me to experience these long-awaited joyful moments, when the long-drawn image of sleepless nights is no longer staring back at me from the mirror, like the free flow of sweet melting water, on the threshold of a new beginning.
It feels like I’m going to explode a little, like melting ice when the sun shines on it, when the memory goes through my body, how good it is to be alive! To be loved! And it feels amazing!
Even now it happens that the thaw is followed by another freeze. When it bursts out of me with elemental force, a tantrum or an incessant sob at the most unexpected moments. As if it was all a tease.
As it was impossible for me to experience the reality I had hoped for.
Of course, anyone who has lived more than a year in the northern hemisphere knows that nothing is permanent. Everything is cyclical, permanence is in continuous change. So to anyone who needs to hear this, let this be a message of hope. It is the truth of the realization that the freeze-to-thaw phase of the cycle is not a backward movement, but a titration that allows us to gather our supplies.
The frost really clears up everything we invested energy into during the winter. It has a promise that we don’t leave behind the wisdom we gain in our personal experiences in our rush to leave unpleasant situations as soon as possible.
When the meltdown comes – be it external or internal – we have the opportunity to dive into our own resources and bravely take on the challenge of starting to accept our own truth. Blooming in the pouring rain and against the wind, creating a petal-sized island of beauty wherever and whenever we have the opportunity. This beauty can then become a metaphorical syrup, in which the essence of everything that brought us back the feeling of the sweetness of our life will be present. Which then integrates and complements all our conscious future actions, bringing medicine to all those who need it.
With a wide smile and with a heartfelt gratitude – I offer this writing to you, my darling, who is always by my side, with love and affection. To you who has become the most amazing father and husband. You inspire me to become my best possible self. Thank you for the years behind us and thank you for the plans and dreams we form together with which we shape the future ahead of us. I love you and I love all the gifts you has brought into my life.
Happy March everyone!
Viki
viktoria maczo 